I’m eighteen pounds lighter.

Size small is borderline too big for me.

I black out ten times faster than I did a year ago.

Where was this when I was in college? Probs cuz I bonged more brews then.

(via shredgnar)

“today i laxed in the backyard while my wife poured natty ice all over her naked body, then i told her to put some clothes on and make me a sandwich, because i dont want beer dripping on my carpet, bitch.”